Astra Holden Has Your Horoscopes
Your horoscopes for the week ahead.
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Aries: Don't trust the man with the free candy sign - standing next to the abounded mineshaft. |
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Taurus: Remember men are like nappies, they're a handy invention but at the end of the day their usually for crap. |
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Gemini: Remember women are like John Travolta, if you leave them to their own devices they'll blow all their money on massages. |
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Cancer: You should pick up the pieces and build a Lego house or just grow up and at least buy some Meccano. |
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Leo: Your soul mate is a Gemini or a cheese cake. |
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Virgo: Roses are red violets are blue just settle for John you're not an eight you're a two. |
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Libra: Beware anyone who uses LOL in a face to face conversation. |
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Scorpio: Violets are blue and grass is green don't wear that tight skirt your thighs look obscene. |
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Sagittarius: Remember, women are like melons, or oranges, sometimes nectarines... You know what I mean. |
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Capricorn: That loser from accounts is going to tell you he loves you. |
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Aquarius: Go on and do it! Tell a Capricorn how you really feel about them. |
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Pisces: You made plans to kiss the sun at night. Which is romantic and all but it doesn't really make sense... |
