A Message For America From Madge Entertainment 5 November, 2008 - 11:27 AM

To: The citizens of the United States  of America

From: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and  also in recent years of electing incompetent Presidents of the USA therefore  not be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of  your independence, effective immediately. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties  over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does  not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America  without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be  circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following  rules are introduced with immediate effect:

---

 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'  'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without  skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the  suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to  acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

---

 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such  as ''like' and  'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is  no such thing as U.  S.English. We will  let Microsoft know on  your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into  account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

---

 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

---

 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,  or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows  that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for  shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or  speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

---

 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more  dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you  wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

---

 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start  driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go  metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of  humour.

---

 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been  calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

---

 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries  are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are  properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and  dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

---

 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually  beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as  beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to  as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound  the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They  are also part of the British Commonwealth- see what it did for them. American  brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be  sold without risk of further confusion.

---

 10 .Hollywood  will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood  will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a  Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese  grater.

---

 11. You will  cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football;  one you call soccer and rugby (dominated by the Australians). Those of you  brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some  similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest  every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of  nancies).

---

 12. Further, you  will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the  World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only  2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is  understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the  Australians (again World dominators) first to take the sting out of their  deliveries.

---

 13. You must tell  us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

---

 14. An internal  revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with  you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to  1776).

---

 15. Daily Tea  Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs,  with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

---

 God Save the Queen!

 PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT  humor)!

(1) »

• Linda Fadely says

  Allison, I finally found this message from the Queen. Enjoy!

  Posted Tuesday 9 December, 2008 12:57 AM

• Name:
• Email Address:
• URL (optional):
• Remember Me? Yes No
• Your comments:
•  
• Security Code:
•   Submit your comment